Monday, August 23, 2010

What Hurts the Most

Good Monday.
I am happy to write again on this great Monday. Not a good day for me. I'm having such a pain inside of me, not physical but emotional. After a my brain injury there are some things that I do or say that upset others. I know they get upset and that they don't like it. The hardest thing about all of it is to show that it is unintentional. I have never stopped loving my wife, my family, or my friends. As survivors know sometimes we have a late reaction to the consequences of our acts because of the emotional fluctuations and our impulsiveness. Believe me when I say that it brings a piercing pain when somebody gets upset because of something I have done or said. I don't know how to express it, but I'll try. It is a pain in the soul that makes you want to scream but you know is not appropriate. It is a pain that make you want to start running with no direction or destination, but again is not appropriate. It is horrible. It is a very saddening pain. It is a pain that draws me down. I know it is hard to explain. But also as a result of my injury I am dealing with an abrupt hormonal change. I have taken medication to stabilize it but it's not there yet. One of the most affected hormones is the testosterone. This hormone is at a very low. Gladly I'm going to start getting shot this week. A change in the testosterone has physical and emotional effects. These effect might explain my behavior. Progress happens everyday. Even though the impulsiveness is less than before it still happens. I hope to see the day all this will be under control.
I will put a positive face because I know that it will get better. I just pray that God give me the wisdom to face these challenges. I love you all, family, friends, providers, fans, and readers.
Readers, please share with us any suggestions on coping with impulsiveness. If you can't post here, email me at and I will post your advice.
See you all tomorrow.


  1. You get a lack of inhibitions, are less able to monitor what is appropriate to say or do. That is because you cannot work out all the implications of what you say or do to others. Because your feelings and thoughts and ideals are all still there, and you think inside that you are fine. But your RAM won't let you access it all, until it is too late and you have said or done it. Hence the pain, because you didn't mean it and would never have said it. But, believe me, you have to let that go, because everyone that matters already know that. They know the 'Real You', and always will.

  2. The impulsiveness comes oftentimes from damage to the frontal lobe. The "regulator" is not working correctly if it is even turned on. I have heard stories of people sliding down banisters naked. Thank goodness, I never did that (that I know of), but impulse control has been a big challenge and is still somewhat.

    I think the first key in this is awareness. I consciously have to slow down, pause, and stop and think. Mine manifests still as I never can get the timing of conversations right. I always talk over people. I absolutely hate the telephone for this reason. Seems like a little thing until it is a problem. Very frustrating.

    The second key is awareness, understanding and compassion in others, I think. I had many people get entirely offended and upset with me. I have a brain injury for goodness sakes! Others should not hold you to the same standards. They have to make some allowances here.

    A brain injury effects everything, the whole body...your hormones, your adrenals, your lymph system ..which in turn effects your behavior.

    I did not have a period for over a year. The gyno kept wanting to do all these tests. I told her the problem was at the other end. Duh! I found something called nueurotraining to be very helpful with the hormones, but am still not "normal" with the hormones.

    Diet, physical exercise, and supplements can really be helpful here and well as just time. Hang in there.

  3. I can understand because DH has a problem at times too. His is his memory, he wanted to call and B**** someone at the insurance company out this morning because he saw the first letter they sent us, but the second hasn't gotten here yet and he thought that he was shorted badly needed money. I feel bad also, because I forget that he forgets and it seems that I'm always saying "don't you remember we talked about this" or "why don't you listen to me?" We're both learning to deal with's just taking a while, and he is very very upset that he is unable to "provide" for that family because that's supposed to be his job. I've told him it's OK, that's why I'm blogging and doing the reviews etc. It still hurts him that I "have" to work so hard...though it's not hard to me. We're learning slowly!