Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Facing the Hard Reality

Good Wednesday.
I write today a little emotional. I am coming to accept the reality of what my future might be. Please know that in no way I have lost motivation or drive.
As I strive to get better, I am facing the reality that I might have some permanent impairments. Yesterday, I had thrapy all day long. They are testing my endurance, physical and mental. We started out with a hike in the mountains. I had a hard time because whenever the ground is loaded I feel that things move. It is very hard to focus on something on the ground. It brings a lot of strain in my right eye to the point that hurts. Adding to it the headache that causes. It affects my balance and confidence. Throughout my military career I was used to excel in every task, especially physical tasks. Now I face that simple things like a walk in the mountains are hard. And the balance issues slow me down. I was used to be within the top 10% in physical tasks, now I'm the last. Even among other BI patients.
After the hike, I was taken to a shopping mall. I was given a list of goals and tasks that I had to accomplish. I could accomplish all of them. After the mall we had lunch and after lunch we had a therapy called "Healthy Lifestyles". At lunch and at the therapy I felt extremely exhausted. I could hardly stay awake. It saddens me to see that even after a year from my injury I still get mentally fatigued. It is frustrating.
Feeling these things yesterday makes me think and ask questions: How much better will I get? Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? The hard truth may be that I will have impairments or disabilities for the rest of my life. Thinking about it saddens me deeply.
I am blessed to be alive. At the same time I feel a big part of my life was stolen from me. In my career I had a world of opportunities coming at me. Now that is gone. What God has in storage for me? I will find out.
I thank you all for allowing me to get this out of my chest. Thank you for your support. Sharing this in no way I am giving up. I will strive to improve everyday. I will get better, it's just a matter of time. I will be a success story.
Until next time.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®


  1. Oh VIctor, I am so sorry you feel sad. You just do not realize how well you are doing. Like I've said before, you are still a baby in this long journy. And I am sorry but it is a long one. You have been blessed to do everything that you do and are. I know it doesn't seem like it cause you are remembering all the thing in your life before.
    I guess that is were I was so diffent from alot of other BI's. I never looked back at what I had lost. I only look forward with what I could do now. When people stared at me because of the way I walked, I just thought what is wrong with them. They had the problem not me.And now when people ask me Why I limp? It surprises me cause I forget I might still limp a little. You see I use to watch my feet every step I took, But I don't anymore. Did you ever watch my video on my wall? The one that a friend took of A DAY IN THE LIFE! I know this is just a POOR ME MOMENT, and you will get past it. You are a strong man and you have done so much already for the BI communitee.
    Have a super day Victor and if you need someone to talk to, give me a call.
    Your friend always, Lee

  2. I think you are being too hard on yourself. It was a test of your endurance after all, and a gruelling one at that. I truly believe that word for word, step by step, day to day, you will get stronger.

  3. Victor,
    I can relate somewhat to what you're feeling from physical problems I've had in the past. Know that you're not alone with these feelings. It's moments such as these that we truly begin to sense our frailty and realize that we are not indestructible, that we cannot control those things that were once controllable. At these times, I remind myself that I can only handle this moment, this day, and anything before that or after that is beyond my power to handle.

    PS My Wordpress blog is set up. Now all I have to do is start blogging.

    Karen Bice

  4. Victor, you will get through this and laugh at it. I too was used to being superfit and super intelligent. I would never ask anyone else to do something for me, I was totally independent. I was even embarassed to have been hit by the drugged driver in the first place and to have been knocked off my bike. I never cried or felt sorry for myself. I worked hard every day for three years. Then it hit me on the third anniversary that I would never ride my bike again. I cried, wept for days. Then I picked myself up and realised that this was my life now and I got on with it. It still hurts when I see another girlie go by on a custom bike. It takes time, there are stages of recovery and grief, which unfortunately have to be gone through. Lived through and suffered. With a Brain Injury you will know that today, forget it tomorrow and then go through it all over again. Yet you will still be here! Remember that! Love and Hugs Debs You will just have to get used to looking down when you are running and walking! Giggles!

  5. you are amazing and strong. i don't even know you but your words speak volumes!

  6. Do not give up Victor. Like me staying strong for my husband. You must do the same. You have your age with you. It is a long journey and you will be rewarded in the end. Bless you.

  7. Hi Victor,

    I read this post and your most recent one today and they both brought tears to my eyes. Phew - can I relate so much to what you're going through at this very moment.

    There is a lot of loss along this jagged path called Traumatic Brain Injury. There is a lot of grieving and letting go along the way...and this emotional stuff is draining. Give yourself time. Brain Injury is a process.

    You are doing the best you possibly can given the cards you were dealt. Please be as kind to yourself as you'd be to your beloved wife or dearest friend going through the same thing.

    No one knows how things will be for you tomorrow or in the future, that's Brain Injury, so much is unknown...and remains so. I don't think any of us humans find such groundlessness comfortable.

    I think one of the toughest things with TBI is knowing when to accept one's limits and when to keep fighting. It is not uncommon to cause ourselves setbacks because we try too hard.

    It is a balance I know you will find. You have an open heart and an accepting manner, as well as the spirit of a fighter. You are a noble soul.

    Even in this broken moment, you are growing stronger, this I know for sure.

    One of my all-time favorite quotes:

    "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
    -Ernest Hemingway